I saw this coming. After 2 weeks of actually studying (I literally tried, like 4 hours a day tried) I knew I’d end up here at 1.27am in the morning. After nights and nights of sleeping at 11 and waking up at 7/8, I knew I had to fuck with my body clock one last time. My period is late and I am stressed out over the notifications my period tracker app sends me. I’d like it to come so that the worst of it wouldn’t coincide with the exams. Please do.
I don’t remember how I ended up here, 1.29am in the morning, telling everyone and no one about my uterus problems and fearing the future. I never would say that I’ve studied hard in my life. Mostly I think because I’m scared. I’m scared to reach my ‘full potential’ because it may be very near and reaching it might mean that that’s it. That’s the most I can achieve. And I can’t deal with that. I can’t do anything and say, “yes, that’s all I have”. Because I want to believe that I am more than that, I’m more than 4 hours of studying a day, more than a ABBB for prelims, more than a desperate med school reject (I seriously hope at this time next year I will not be typing a post about being rejected from medical school because that would seriously S U C K)
Ironically though, this stupid, insane mentality is keeping me from my best. Do I have the courage to find what my best really is? I don’t know if I do. Maybe by admitting that I don’t have the courage would help. Guess that’s why I’m rambling in this one. I am praying to myself, literally begging myself right now. Please have the courage in this 5 days to reach your peak. ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOU HAVE A PEAK. And fucking reach it, climb up it, embrace the fucking peak. Reach this peak so that you can find new ones. You need to stop putting clouds above yourself so that you can’t see the end. IF you keep doing that, you’ll end up being so disillusioned that when one day, reality catches up and blows the clouds away, you’d realised you barely moved at all. Once again that would seriously S U C K.
1.38am. I’m hungry.