How is it that we can’t define love, and yet know when it disappears? Logically it isn’t possible, you can’t feel the loss of something if you don’t know what that thing is. Yet, I feel it acutely, in the depths of my heart, echoing in the vacuums of one-sided phone conversations. Every nightly phone call, a lump in my throat impedes the dutiful reply of “I love you”, to your constant effusions. And yet, it comes out, strangled and apologetic.
When did your declarations go from warming my heart, to stabs of guilt? I used to screenshot texts, just to make them last longer. When we fought, I used to look back at these images, and smile at the knowledge that we loved each other.
And now it’s all over. It’s amazing how someone who meant so much to you at one point in time; who could cause so much pain, just fade away in the forward rush of time.
When we began, I wanted a love that was as all-consuming as the sun, a love that could penetrate space-time continuums, and warm our hearts from light-years away. Instead, we had one that existed in concerned texts, grocery shopping dates and care packs of vitamin C. My impatient heart couldn’t stand such love that resided in between bus seats and errands. I did try so hard. Tried to make you happy, tried to listen to all the worries of your life, tried to love deeply.
Yet I knew that this was one-sided, and it will probably always be. I knew that you loved me but you loved yourself more. Physics and yourself are the two great loves of your life, and I’ll always play the second fiddle in this strange harem. As you’ve said before, if I chose to leave, you wouldn’t stop me. So I did.
In your post break-up regret, you swore to love me as strongly as I did. But we both knew it was a reaction to the sudden lack of familiarity, a reflex to the loss of a daily habit. I couldn’t change who you were, and it was foolish of me to think that maybe my love could.
Thank you for being in my life, and for letting me love you. Thank you for trying in the end, even when I let go. If I had another chance at life, I would still put myself through this journey of loving you, even if I knew it had an end. Thanks for making me a better and more selfless person, in love and in life. I will miss you and I don’t quite know how this heartbreak will affect me. But I hope you’ve grown from this as well, and find someone who will be okay with your harem, or maybe even someone who you can love before anything else.
Don’t you dare let our best memories bring you sorrow,
Yesterday, I saw a lion kiss a deer,
Turn a page, maybe we’ll find a brand new ending,
Where we’re dancing in our tears
– Lost Stars, from Begin Again